a devotional. of sorts.

Preface: I don’t know why I seem to come off as spiritually depressed oftentimes. In all honesty, over the past year and half I’ve wondered if I struggle with bouts of clinical depression. I don’t think I do. I think I’m just an emotional wreck and God tends to get the brunt of it.

I wanted to come home and be on fire. I wanted to come home and love others like Jesus would. I wanted to come home and follow harder after Christ than ever before.

I’ve been home for one month. I’ve been on one job interview and applied for a few others. I have zero direction and clue about what to do next. And I wonder if I would feel this same way in this moment if things had gone a different route.

Remember that post I made a couple weeks back, where I said I don’t know what’s next but I’m waiting on Jesus? That’s much easier said than done.

I want to wait on and trust Jesus, but I am struggling. And to top it off, it hasn’t taken long for me to fall back into the comforts (read: distractions) of the Western world. Honestly, I’ve opened my Bible maybe three times. Tonight was one of them.

Somehow, despite my frustrations and lack of trust, Jesus was able to motivate me and capture my attention for some quality time. I was even moved to reach out and ask a few friends if they had specific prayer needs.

I had a bit of an agenda with God tonight. I knew I wanted to be verbally candid and read the Bible, as well as finish the introduction to A Hunger for God by John Piper.

There was no specific Biblical book that was calling out to me, but if I’m going to lament to God than what better to follow it up with than the book of Lamentations.

Depressing.

But I pushed on, and midway (3:19-28, to be exact) through I encountered this:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.

Let him sit along in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.

Despite the spiritual distance I feel at times and the emotionless meetings I continue to find myself having with God, I will not lose hope. Time and time again, his great hand rescues me out of this pit doom and gloom, this place of confusion and hopelessness.

And in realizing this, I take my first steps out of the spiritual valley of unmotivation. I embrace the town I’m in, the house that I will clean tomorrow and the empty hours that force me to deal with this spiritual loneliness.

Jesus, I don’t trust you like I wish I could. However, I do believe in your faithfulness, divinity, sovereignty and supremacy.

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2 responses to “a devotional. of sorts.

  1. The tough thing about being a spiritual person in our culture of “religion” is that any time of sadness, failure, lonelyness, lack of motivation, or just plain feeling blahhhh is often construed as something wrong on our part in bridging the gap to God. God does not want to put worldly guilt on us for not praying enough, not doing enough Bible study, not attending church enough, not doing this or that enough. Watch out for the old temple teachings that were dealt with through Jesus and the teachings of the new church that has Pharisees of it’s own. In between lies the essence of our being. We allow the world, church, family, friends, ourselves to put that guilt on us. It so easy to forget that gap is already closed…for good. Those low times are going to come and go…a lot of that has to do with these wonderfully complex bodies our spirits dwell within. You don’t have to “DO” anything to receive God’s blessings, they are there in abundance. Sometimes revealing themselves in the face of a small child that finally gets what comes after E in the alphabet…sometimes it’s being able to drag a sorry 48 year old butt out of bed in sub zero weather. Just because they aren’t what we think a blessing should be doesn’t mean it’s not a blessing.

    Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

    Enjoy every aspect of God’s waiting room…could be peeling wallpaper or an awesome arrangement of fresh flowers…and look at all the magazines!!

  2. omg! This why your mom has always been my mentor! I was going to say about the same thing after reading your post, but she said it so much better then I ever could. We fall and get back up and our life course changes. Look at me and my crazy life LOL

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