Trust at the mercy of the response it receives is a bogus trust.
from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
Over the past year-and-a-half, there have been countless times where I’ve found myself, literally, crying out to God to make His presence known me. I want him to tangibly meet me where I’m at. My heart was broken first by my parents’ divorce; it was then, superficially, rebuilt by the introduction of a new relationship; and, subsequently, destroyed by the end of that relationship.
Allow me to be completely transparent for a second in admitting that from March of 2007 to the present has been quite possibly the single most depressing and toughest period in my life. But also, one of the most joyous and rewarding times as well.
I’ve been driving in my car or laying in my bed, sobbing…just wanting Jesus feel so guilty that he has to come join me over a cup of tea. And He never has. Not how I wanted him to, anyways. Why?
Because I claim to have faith in Jesus Christ and his Father. I claim to trust the words the Bible speaks to me. And what is faith if I have to see to believe? What is trust if God has to prove himself to me first?
I’m sorry Jesus for my disbelief and my distrust. Thank you for sticking things out with me. I’ll try to do better, but I make no promises.