ebb and flow.

I emailed Theresa this morning a rather depressing email. Sometimes there are moments where my heart is still devastated by the end of Matt and I’s relationship. I feel like such a nerd for saying that six months later. But it’s true. And it’s not so much that I’m coping with empty promises, false words and rejection anymore…but I really thought my heart would have been 100 percent better by now. Most days, I’m totally fine and this singleness is good. Other days, not so much. And it’s those days I find myself to be a little angry towards God.

I feel like God has just abandoned that aspect of my life. Matt was saying things that were reinforcing these extremely strong feelings I was having. And I thought God was moving in our relationship, and this was truly something God had brought together and breathed life into. And then it ended, like a slap in the face. Why would God allow me to believe this was His will and have people encouraging those thoughts, only to discover very abruptly that is was not? I just don’t know. I want God so badly to fill the void that Matt left. But there’s still a huge crack in my heart and a lot of distrust in my mind. Theresa responded to me with the following:

God, why won’t you sit on the couch with me, hug me and tell me WHY this is happening. I know you love me, but does it feel like I’m doing this alone sometimes?!?!?? I know people always have those feel good stories where they look back and realize God was there the whole time, but man alive, the spiritual loneliness is heart-wrenching.

I want Jesus in the here and now. I need Jesus to take me to dinner and explain his greater purpose in the heartache of that relationship. And here is where all the Christians chime in: “Just give it over to God.” “Let God in.” “Place it before the feet of Jesus.” And my response, what the hell does any of that mean? I’ve tried “giving it over” to God. I’ve prayed that Jesus just puts a little glue in my heart and heals the pain. Should I write it on a piece of paper and throw it in the offering plate at church? Does that give it to God? Maybe I’m lacking faith that God can heal all wounds. Maybe I’m not being Christian enough.

I don’t doubt one bit that Jesus is the Son of God. Nor do I doubt that God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit are moving among us, faithfully believing we can fight the good fight and stand strong in the face of the devil. But Jesus in order for me to do that I need a little more ammo. I need You to come give me a good, encouraging talking to…show me the plan of attack. Notice: PLAN. I want to know Your plans.

It’s hard to find purpose in heartache. And what little purpose I have found (I did learn about myself, I helped Matt discover who he truly loved) hasn’t been too fulfilling. And these wounds need a little more than a bandage. I’m waiting Jesus, I wish you’d come around because I’m growing weary of feeling like I’m hanging out here by myself.


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