well, i’m kind of seeing someone.

Thomas a Kempis wrote in The Imitation of Christ, “…raise your eyes to the riches of Heaven, and you will see that all the riches of this world are as nothing. All are uncertain and even burdensome, for they are never enjoyed without some anxiety or fear.”

i guess i’m in the process of dating Jesus, or moreso, letting Jesus date me. we go out for tea. we cook and have dinner in my apartment. i get angry and sad, and Jesus quietly takes it. and then he quiets my heart. he lifts the burden of whatever pain i’m going through and i can breathe. i settle into my chair or my bed and i let God love on me.

and then i turn human again. the burden that God has just taken from me, i fight to take it back. and suddenly life makes sense. i think a boyfriend will provide approval and acceptance. i think me minus fifteen pounds will boost my confidence, bah, i haven’t stepped on a scale since i left ohio. i think me plus a mac will be the latest, hippest colleen, version 23.1. i think high-waisted pants from express will make me more presentable and sophisticated. the person i am in this moment is not enough. i am inadequate.

gag. me.

i don’t know how Jesus/God/the Holy Spirit is in Heaven. i don’t know if Jesus laughs at us. i don’t know if God shakes his head in shame at some of the things christians do. but i like to think that Jesus rolls his eyes at me. especially when i think worldly improvements will equal a good life.

i don’t need to remind myself it’s a sin to covet. it’s everywhere. in this book i’m currently reading. in the Bible. in the mars hill sermon i listened to. so why, when i know Christ provides all the confidence i could ever need, all the approval i could ever want and all the acceptance i could ever desire, do i still turn to the world to find this satisfaction? i don’t know. i just don’t. and i don’t necessarily think i should try to figure it out.

because i think i need to let Jesus take the lead. he won’t stop dating me. despite how awful and inadequate i am. he’s in it for the long-haul, it seems.

change my heart, Jesus. let me not just hear, but honestly believe you are more than enough for me. but just a heads up, i’ll probably still buy a mac. and those high-waisted express pants. dang it.


One response to “well, i’m kind of seeing someone.

  1. i think we are at the same place sister. just in separate states.

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